24 April 2007

There's a particulary smelly bit of comedy in the global-enviro-green-eco-warming movement this week, that Drudge readers will no doubt already be aware of:


Essentially, noted climatologist and ecological scientist Sheryl Crow proposes "a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting." She stipulates "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required."

Confound those pesky occasions! Two or three squares might indeed be required, in such a rare pesky occasion!

The Rosie responded with uncharacteristic wit and characteristic candor/grossness:


I'll let you read that for yourself. I'm definitely no fan of the Rosie but even she can sometimes recognize idiocy when she sees it. Which brings me to my proposition. If Sheryl Crow wants us to, err, wipe out global warming by establishing a legal limitation to TP usage, we must establish how much toilet paper is acceptable. This is the procedure:

1. Feed the Rosie large platters of extra spicy jambalaya, red beans and rice, and andouille sausage, all dosed with unseemly amounts of cayenne or Tabasco.
2. Invite Ms. Crow over the following day.
3. Ask Ms. Crow to personally attend to the...personal sanitation...of the Rosie.
4. Count the number of squares of paper used. This would now be the legal limitation.

17 April 2007

Sorry for not posting lately, noble blogreading loyallists.

I was going to post on getting my Saiga last week...which, I'll afford this much, is way cool...but it might seem a tad insensitive at the moment.

But let's get the topics of levity on the table and out of the way. I've rediscovered an appreciation for radio. Not talk radio, mind you, actual music radio. I had long chalked it up as broadcasted bile, but there are three particular programs that o'erflow with excellence. Yes, I am of course referring to "Funk in the Trunk", "Saturday Night Groove Party", and "Nights with Alice Cooper". The two former are on 107.3, which...how can I put this delicately...is a Radio Station of Colour. Which is how I like my radio stations. Seriously, if you're going with pop music, I'm defecting. My urban brothers have it going on in the music department.

And Alice, he has two things in his favour. Firstly, he is a genuinely funny guy. I feel like this is one of those statements that will be vigorously contested by sundry persons, but there, I said it, he amuses me greatly. Secondly, the man knows rock music. He was there. And he plays rock music. He doesn't just queue up the same inane hits we've been tired of for decades now, he plays ALBUM ROCK. He plays songs that haven't been on the radio for years (if ever). And I haven't heard him (yet) play any 80s spandex rock. Other than some of the accepted ones, like Van Halen and the Oz.

On to more serious topics. Yesterday was a rather horrific day to watch the news. What a terrible tragedy. You know, that sounds a bit fake, doesn't it? At least to me...its one of those cookie-cutter statements everyone makes in these times...I'll be a bit more genuine, and just say, what a damn shame.

Lesson Number One. This is not meant as a criticism of any of the victims, so please do not interpret it as such; it is an exhortation that maybe some people will learn from this. If you are being lined up against a wall by a man with a gun that is not a police officer, you are likely dead. With that accepted, you now have a choice: how do you want to die? Running, fighting, or on your knees in a line? Please, please, people, be ready to pick one of the first two choices. And I do mean be ready, because it is a mindset issue. If you are not mentally prepared, you will be frozen in shock. I mean no contempt at all for the poor victims, and who knows, there may have been some heroism involved that we will learn about later, but it is so tragic that these students (if the reports are true) meekly submitted to being martyrs of this man's indiscriminate, random insanity. Be ready to react. I'm not necessarily talking about armed response, but be ready to meet this sort of thing with a violent, rapid, determined escape. Tooth and claw.

Lesson Number Two. "Gun free zones" would be a punchline to a joke if it wasn't so tragic. As another person put it, they are essentially "human hunting preserves", or "no-risk crime zones". People will not learn from this though. They will simply call for more "gun free zones" like Virginia Tech, basically expanding the safe base of operations for people who want to kill as many unarmed people as possible before being accosted. Murderers do not turn around and leave if they see a "no guns permitted" sign. It is a freaking welcome mat for them, essentially a
"no armed citizens in here, come on in, crazy person, and enjoy your risk-free murder spree!" sign.

Lesson Number Three. Stalin got it wrong, with the "single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic" line. In this case it seems a bit of the reverse. I looked up the US murder rate, filtered it to include only murders committed with guns, and in 2004 (last year I found data on) there was, on average, 30 murders by gun every day in the United States. Meaning, the same amount of people murdered at VA Tech yesterday will be murdered today. And likewise tomorrow. And the next day. On and on it goes, and when they are spread evenly across the nation, no one notices. But confine them to a square mile or so, and it is an unthinkable tragedy. I'm not saying it isn't an unthinkable tragedy. I'm just pointing out an interesting thing about our psychology. It is more the circumstances of the deaths yesterday that bothered us, not the number, because as mentioned, that many people are shot and killed almost daily. OK, so this isn't so much a "Lesson" but I am just keeping with the whole Lesson Number 1-2-3 theme. Give me a break.

Lesson Number Four. Despite the lack of any logical link or reasoning that further laws regarding guns will somehow make these things impossible, now is the time to buy your Glock 20-rounders to get them grandfathered in.

Lesson Number Five. Clips and magazines are NOT interchangeable. Examples of clips include stripper clips that hold rifle rounds for top-loading rifles like the Russian SKS, or moon clips that hold rimless rounds for revolvers. Magazines are the long boxes that hold stacked ammunition for auto-loading pistols and rifles. If you are a reporter and you erroneously refer to magazines as clips on the air, expect me to yell ineffectually at the TV. You have been warned.

Lesson Number Six. Any radio station that has the cojones to name their drive-home-from-work show "Funk in the Trunk" is A-OK with me.

04 April 2007

Pardon my schoolgirl giddiness.

But I've been frenetically tracking a certain UPS shipment, originating from a dealer in Pennsylvania and destined for my trusty local FFL. It should arrive tomorrow, and I'm a bit miffed that I have to go straight on to school afterwards. Ummm yeah we'll see. But as to what it is:

SAIGA 12. Russia's finest, made in Izhevsk: the finest armory in the Soviet bloc, known for its Mosin Nagant rifles used in the Great Patriotic War as well as for being the birthplace of the Avtomat Kalashnikova (AK-47). So the Saiga 12-gauge is a semi-automatic, gas-operated shotgun using what is essentially the Kalashnikov system, a very durable and reliable piston based action. This will be a fun gun to shoot! Buckshot, birdshot, slugs...woowee! I know this is silly...but I may have to buy a watermelon just to see what a 1oz slug or 00 Buck would do to it.

I haven't posted any more drivel on here in a while, mainly because I've been slammed at work. "What a shame", you say. Lives put on standby, the eager masses were ceaselessly quaking with anticipation for the next masterful blog entry, I'm certain! Be that as it may, I cannot keep pace with keeping the incalculably large readership of this blog satisfied, and so you'll have to satiate your frenzied thirst for Neufish wisdom with the occasional half-hearted post on the latest silly hobby with which I've distracted myself.

My inner Englishman has made a bit of a leap. I grilled steaks last night! No, I didn't broil, braise, boil, or bake them, I grilled them, over charcoal. I know the Brit reputation for meat preparation is pretty low, but man, that steak was good. I thought about how viciously anti-green my cooking was last night, as I poured fossil fuel into my grill and lit it up, expelling vast quantities of sweet-smelling carbon dioxide into our fragile atmosphere. Al Gore can go suck an organic egg. But yeah, all hail the well charred Kansas City strip cooked over charcoal and mesquite chunks. I think peer pressure kicked in from the homebrew forums...brewers tend to be cooks, and these guys were all about good meat cooked very well. So for the moment, I'm giving meat pies and stir fries a hiatus and I'll be concentrating on honing my grilling skills. Or at least getting them up to that of the average American male...its kind of sad being a cook but not knowing how to grill properly.

And with that incredibly worthwhile paragraph I'll conclude now. Be still, breathless blogreaders, and await the next disposition of Neufish grace.