25 March 2015

Join Predicates Are For Amateurs

Up here in The Cloud, we like our Data Big, our development Agile, our music undiscovered, and our organic kale locally-sourced and humanely killed. And so when these tiresome on-premise DBAs tell me things like "you need a join predicate" or "what the hell did you just do to tempdb you idiot", I laugh. When I want to pull 8 octillion rows into Management Studio, I don't let petty concerns like the fact that I can't even conceptualize what a yottabyte is (much less distinct sort a dozen of them in tempdb) stop me from catching the vision and delivering on real-time BI PowerQuery BigData that will supercharge executive decision-making. Umm, also ROI. I forgot to use that one.

I imagine René Descartes is smiling warmly while looking down from The Cloud (well, where else would he be? Surely not suffering in torment down in On-Premise!!), observing all these wonderful Cartesian joins, named after the old boy. This is an -actual- execution plan recovered from the wild:

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